Today, I got to school at 7:25 a.m. after my routine coffee stop at Quik Trip and waking up around 6:35. I just got home from professional development, and after sitting for a minute on the couch and enjoying mindless TV for about 10 minutes, it's 8:50p.m. Please do not count the hours that add up to my work day. Just know that they were similar yesterday and will continue tomorrow (although, I will be done with the school day at 6:30 p.m. tomorrow, about 2 hours earlier than the trend).
The past few weeks haven't been easy. Making the decision to drop my grad school program was difficult. It was nice to back to Colorado, but hard to memorialize Mom and Gram. And, of course, to hear all the conversation about whether the choice to stay in Tulsa past my commitment is a good one. I stood steady by my conviction of the path I want before me, until a sensitive issue came up on a web site, and I wasn't sure if it was the product of one of my students.
I still don't know. And I have done all that I can to figure it out and have found resources to continue looking into it. There was a time when I questioned not just whether I should stay another year, but whether I should even show up to work this week. I just felt...wow, I put so much of myself into this, and what do I get? Who's really supporting me?
I don't have the energy to recount the negativity, the pain, that crossed my mind for a few hours and still seep into some of my thoughts days removed from the situation.
But, tonight, as I left the TFA office after professional development at about 8:30 p.m. after a long Wednesday, I saw 5 other cars in the parking lot. Including mine, there were at least 6 cars still there after dark, and I remembered many of my colleagues inside with their laptops up and their work clothes wearing the midnight oil.
Then I noticed, around the curve of the parking lot, more cars.
6+ cars in the parking lot. Their drivers and passengers working away inside an otherwise empty school building.
On my drive home, as I listened to my "Hope 2" playlist, I found my conviction again. In combination with all of the conversations from what I now know is an extensive support network of friends, family members, colleagues, and supervisors.
I wrote a facebook status last week that stated, "is finding it hard to put into words just how supported, loved, and valued she feels. I wish this feeling for everyone, whenever they need or want it."
I had lost the spirit of that and found it again all in one week. While I wish I had the energy to make this post more profound, suffice it to say:
I think my latest experience is a testament to just how hard the work I do is. That we all, in education, do. As I think about my kids, even in our bad moments, I know that they are so the reason I do what I do and will want to continue. I also know that I couldn't do it, or find strength, without the network of adults I am so lucky to have in my life.
And, to know that I am not alone in this work -- that others are parked outside an office after an already long day, that issues arise, are dealt with, and hopefully subside. That we are all in this together.
That no matter the roller coaster my feelings may take in a week, I can still stand by my convictions and work hard to maintain my principles.
I know that this is a positive feeling that I won't always be able to recognize or find, but I hope that I never lose it completely. That, if anything, I can find some small reminder, in parking lot, or in a student's smile, or a colleague's supportive words and actions, that this may be hard, but it's worth it.
It has to be.
~MJ
Hope 2 Playlist Songs that Brought Me Back:
"Many Rivers to Cross" by Emeline Michel
Many rivers to cross
But I can't seem to find my way over
Knowing I am lost
As I travel along the white cliffs of dover
Yes, I got many rivers to cross
And it's only my will that keeps me alive
I've been licked, washed up for years
And I merely survive because of my pride
"Smile" by Uncle Kracker
You're better than the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Let's me know that it's okay (yea, it's okay)
And the moments when my good times start to fade
[Chorus:]
You make me smile like the sun, fall outta bed
Sing like a bird,
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record,
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool,
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that
And, a piece that isn't a part of the playlist, but helped me climb out of my initial negativity:
"Words" by Train
Words they'll try to shake you
Don't let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as firewood and let them burn
Like stones in your pocket people try to wear you down
Someone always wants to take the love you've found
So let's runs with these changes and I want you by my side
And there's not a word I've ever heard that would make me change my mind ...
Underneath every word somebody's heart been broken
With or without words we try to forgive
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