It was almost midnight on January 9. That meant, it was almost one month to the day that our group was robbed in Altos de Jardines, San Salvador, El Salvador.
I flashed back to the pain of that moment -- and a succession of pictures raced through my mind, all dealing with healing, with love, with hugs. I saw my boys, Bryan and Ronaldo, smiling. I felt them wrap their little arms around my waist.
And my heart sank into a different kind of heartbreak. That kind that makes it seem like my heart is in a million little pieces, somewhere lost with my eyeglasses, so I can't find all of the pieces to put it back together again. Oh, and the pieces aren't just anywhere -- they're out of sight, out of reach -- and still in San Salvador.
One month later, and I still have moments in class where I drift into my soul's photo albums. Where I think of the wonderful people of the world, the people I love, the places I miss. And I remember just how far Bryan and Ronaldo are. And I remind myself to pray for their safety, their prosperity, and for their love.
Who would think that one month later, I'm still dealing with this. I should be adjusted. I should be moving on.
And in ways, I have...but in others, I can't escape the memory of El Salvador, and I can't quite fit my puzzle of a heart back together again.
We had dinner tonight -- me and the some of the group from ES. We at a local Salvadoran restaurant. I had an American-proportioned pupusa con queso y frijoles (in english=amazing)...dos was a little much, but I enjoyed myself. And I re-lived the trip in some ways. We had all the fixings: two joined tables to accommodate our group, tasty and cheap food, cash for the bill, ten minutes to figure out the bill, and passing around a pack of gum. Throw in a few haikus and it would have been complete deja vu. Too bad the restaurant was really on Federal Blvd. and I ordered in Spanglish...and, too bad it's about 40 degrees Fahrenheit, and Douglas wasn't outside...
And I have soooo much work to do. It's unbelievable. Literally. How do I get myself in these jams? And this is one of those jams where I know I've dug myself into a hole that is too deep to climb out of -- and guess what? This may be the first time I don't climb out.
Class. Thesis. Class. Work. Thesis. Thesis. Thesis. Sustainability. Sustainability. Sustainability. Thesis. Applications. PAPERS...ESSAYS...BOOKS...EXAMS...
HOURS. Not enough in a day.
I would give anything to just leave this world and spend my days with Bryan and Ronaldo in San Roque. My heart misses them so much, and my time with them means I don't have time for anything else, and it means I don't have other work.
This is my stress typing, by the way.
And, it's my heart lingering for an answer, some relief, some sliver of hope. Some reason to keep going.
Right now, that reason is that next week, I will be "roadtripping" on the east coast to see D.C. on Inauguration day.
We'll see where to go from there.
I.B.I.C.F.B.O.M.P.S. 2009.
~MJ
My words don't suffice these days.
Here are the lyrics to the my soundtrack in this moment,
courtesy of Shaun Barrowes. "Never For My Sake" from the album, "Big Bang Theory."
Why do I walk the paths I walk, when I'm just walking?
Why do I say the things I say, when I'm just talking?
Why do I think the thoughts I think, when I'm just thinking?
Why does this take so long for all of this to sink in?
I, oh I, know what I must do,
I know the sacrifice I'll make.
Yeah, oh and when when will I see this through,
You know it was never for my sake.
Why do I point the same direction I've been pointing?
Why don't I enjoy the life the world has been enjoying?
Why do I watch the same stars I've always been watching?
Why don't I stop myself when all around me's stopping?
I, oh I, know what I must do,
I know the sacrifice I'll make.
Yeah, oh and when will I see this through,
You know it was never for my sake.
Why would I be killing time when time just can't be wasted?
How could I lose success when I can almost taste it?
Why would I chase the dreams I chase if they meant nothing?
How could I suppress the passion that just keeps on pumping?
I, oh I, know what I must do,
I know the sacrifice I'll make
Yeah, oh and when I see this through,
You know it was never for my sake.
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